I guess the new year means a new theme on this blog, so there we have it.
Honestly, 2013 was rough. I don’t know how else to say it, except that my entire being felt like it was constantly trying to stay above water. There are a few memories that are bittersweet, and leave me with a kind of hollow ache inside. There are others that are embarrassing, moments of unrighteous indignation and moments of helpless paralysis. And there were the moments that I could do no more but be carried by the waves of updates and laughter around me at the dinner table. There was hope, despair, pride, and shame. I don’t know what to make of it still. I feel like I’m coming out of a daze, though it could be my congestion talking.
I’ve been roaming through my old pictures trying to decide what to do with my hair lately. In the past, what usually ends up happening is I go to the hairdresser with a vague idea, and tell them they can pretty much do whatever they want. Almost. Sometimes I agonize over whether something works or not, and once I think that it might, after having gathered opinion upon opinion— oh, the very act of trying to describe my thought process here makes my muscles tense up. So I skimmed and skimmed photos, and paused on a few, thinking, “I remember that. I remember feeling x, y, or z at that very moment.” It gave me a sense of how lost and ungrounded I have been, and on the other hand, it gave me a sense of hope. Like, it could be possible to regain that feeling of independence. Maybe. Or is that just a mirage?
I’ve been sick for days, and just today I’ve been thinking about how I want to learn to respect all people, regardless of whether I think they deserve it or not. I think I’ll leave it at that.
There are so many things I want to learn, like one, how to improve my communication skills. I’m fairly confident in my ability to write clearly when I want to (work emails?), but what about my ability to speak? I notice that the B always has a tendency to be very choosy with the words he uses. Now, I wouldn’t say he’s an awesome communicator, but it does make me wonder, what makes someone good at communicating? Why do we always talk about “communication skills” without concrete education on the topic, and when does a skill become something that is natural and not forced? What constitutes good or bad communication? (Am I going to learn this in grad school?) We learn to write essays in school, why don’t we learn how to speak? When does a communication skill cross the line of no longer being genuine? Is that even the right question to ask? This kind of reminds me of the times in Bible school when we had to speak in front of the class. Rarely would we be corrected, but sometimes there were some who received correction. On the one hand, I was thankful that I wasn’t in their position, but on the other hand, I wanted to be them, to receive that kind of help.