Overcooked Tea

I have a habit of overcooking my tea, not on purpose.  I pour the hot water, and let the bag sit, and think, “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”  And off I go on my computer and before you know it, I have no idea how many minutes it has been.  Story of my life, ever since a desktop computer was brought into my household as a kid.  Hubby and I have decided we don’t want screens in the bedroom.  And so if we ever have children and they get my affinity for technology, I guess they will hate us.  🙂

On another note, Jcrew has shut down its bridal line.  This is old news, but I hadn’t written about it or read about it, but today I skimmed an article by happenstance.  I’d like to thank Jcrew for supposedly inspiring the casual wedding with its attire so I could feel like myself on my wedding day.  😛  How do you write so the “:p” emoticon comes through?  Sometimes I like to say annoying things, just to be annoying, but I don’t want people to actually think I’m anything more than half-serious about the annoying things…..  Err.  Or am I?  Off-topic, but I originally created this blog with hopes that I would stick to the rules of English grammar and punctuation, which I hardly do in any of my blogs, but as you can see, I veered off that path …  I like emoticons, ill-placed ellipses, and non-words too much.

Back on topic.  Every once in awhile in the past two years, I have seen beautiful wedding dresses and said to my hubby, “Can we get married again?” Sometimes, I wish I could have a second wedding where I would actually dress up like a princess, but in the end I’m happy we did things the way we did.  Dressed up as a princess, I probably would have walked around feeling glamorous, self-conscious, or like a fraud, or like all of the above.  We’ll never know.  Luckily, Pinterest has finally let me give it the hint that I am no longer planning for a wedding.   Hooray!

 

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Weddings and Funerals

I love watching Youtube videos of couples talking about their stories, but only the good ones.  It means I have to watch a couple bad ones before I get to the good ones though.

Like this, is so cute.  It’s like when I go to a wedding, and it reminds me again of the beginning.  Also I really appreciated what an older brother spoke to the teenage sisters about relationships. Either our phones can use us, or we can use our phones. Then he slipped it in there, and it was so matter of fact, not scary, but honest, measured, and appropriate.  In so many words, he encouraged them to not get into a relationship at this time. Then went on to say, people are selfish, and may use you.

Yesterday, I went to a memorial for a dear brother who passed away.  I didn’t know him personally, but I went to play the piano.  It was really precious.  Someone once said (is it in the Bible somewhere?) that funerals are better than weddings.  And I could also see why.  There was celebration of the life that he lived, and so many good stories that really were an encouragement to everyone I think.  Stories of how the church fasted and prayed the first time he was diagnosed with a serious illness, and how he came back home, and was their Lazarus to them, a picture of the resurrection life.  Stories of how his housemate picked him up out of bed to have morning watch, cause he told him the night before to wake him up no matter what he said.  Stories of his one-liner quips and humorous antics as a child.  I felt like even though I didn’t know him, I was blessed by his life through all the testimonies.

Anyway, laundry calls.

Enjoyment

I just want to say, I went to the conference with the young sisters and it was so enjoyable!  I felt like I was being betrothed to the Lord again and experiencing being brought to higher heights in loving Him.  It was unlike any experience before.  I feel like when I serve the younger ones, I get to experience Jesus in a different way than if I am just going for myself.  And He is so sweet!  I love You Lord!

I need a lint roller.

The handy, all-in-one tool.  I ditched it, along with a lot of other things, when I left school.  But now I need one again.

Also, I need to stop shopping online for deals because in a lot of cases they are not really deals, and then I’ve added all this stuff to my cart only to delete it all, and that’s the end of that.  It was okay in college, but now ain’t nobody got time for that!

 

Sensitive

Found this lady’s blog which is for “HSP Christian women”.  That’s me!  So I read a few things, and initially I found it because I was bothered about my birthday.  It was my birthday this past week.  I am now almost 30.  Yes, in other words, I turned 29.  I don’t like birthdays, because they’re mixed occasions for me.  On the one hand, I want it to be low-key, because I feel embarrassed being the center of attention and feel at a philosophical level, birthdays are silly occasions, but on the other hand, I secretly like surprises and want to be loved and showered with gifts and fancy things.  Which generally ends up in a mixture of disappointment, because it turns out I cared a lot more than I thought I did, or wanted to, and that I wanted other people to care a lot more than they did, or thought I wanted them to.  Like that time in elementary school, when I wanted to be a tomboy, but unlike a true tomboy, I actually cared when I got dirty, or when the boys were rough on the playground, or when the ball came flying at me.  My instinct was to flee, and yet, I wanted to be strong and bold and nonchalant and athletic.  I wanted so much to not be me.  Sometimes, when a friend texts, and I’m in this kind of sensation, I feel stuck.  Am I being dishonest, if I leave out the negative feelings?  Am I being a debbie-downer and too much if I insert them in?  Does everything I say have to have a cloud inside the silver lining?

When did I first find out I was sensitive?  I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I figured it out.  It might have been when I started to have best friends, and something would happen, we would be “playing pretend” mean, and I would eventually break down in tears because even the joking was too much for me.  Or something I perceived as unfair would happen, and it would happen again.  And I noticed no one else cried at things like that.  And either I was so bothered that I couldn’t express why I was so bothered, or when I did express it, it came out sounding absolutely stupid, so I didn’t want to do that either.  So you start to carry it around as a label and badge of shame.  I’m still kind of embarrassed to write about it.  I guess I tried to tone it down over the years.  I used to blog and just let it all out when I was in junior high and high school.  Most of what I wrote was me stressing out about school, which I find pretty funny now, because I don’t actually remember school being that bad, but I guess it must have felt pretty bad at some point.  A lot of this is coming back to me because I’ve been spending more time with kids and teens lately, and thinking about how to take care of them, and feeling rather far away.

Sensitivity manifests itself in a lot of ways.  Oh I could write a lot on this subject.  Today, my hubby made pancakes.  And I just couldn’t eat them.  I ate one, but I told him I wasn’t hungry so I couldn’t eat the other.  I really didn’t feel hungry, but I thought it was kind of strange that I didn’t want to eat it.  I felt really bad for being picky since he had made breakfast for me.  I asked him what he made it with, and he said he just used flour..and…  All I heard was flour.  That flour was the flour we moved here from Long Beach!  So I quickly looked up “Can flour go bad?” and indeed, it can spoil.  And I opened up that bin of flour and it smelled ever so slightly.. wrong.  “This is it!” And down the trash can it went.  And just to make sure, I opened the other bin of flour and that one smelled fine.  So now I could feel justified in not finishing my breakfast.

Just wanted to try to write for my emotional health, though it’s not the most exciting subject.  Now time for a nap.

Loneliness and Insecurity

There’s a weird feeling I have at the moment, and it’s called loneliness and insecurity.  It means I want to talk and make a friend, but I’m insecure/anxious about how the conversation would go and whether it would be a positive overall interaction or a negative one.

As an HSP, apparently I go out of my way to avoid uncomfortable situations, so you can guess where that leaves me.  I guess I’ve kind of forgotten about my HSP-ness, except today, I noticed one of my friends on Facebook, an acquaintance, rather, had changed her last name back to her maiden name.  That’s never a good sign when you know they are (were?) married.  It’s really disheartening and while one shouldn’t jump to conclusions, I thought back to the research I read a long time ago about how neuroticism is the number one personality predictor of an unhappy marriage, in so many words.  I think HSP-ness and neuroticism pretty much overlap quite a bit.  So I made my hubby take the HSP test.  He’s not an HSP (no surprise at all there).  I think when I make my hubby take tests like these and listen to his responses, I realize how much I assume everyone around me must think the way I think, or feel the way I feel in response to things, and how strange it is to find out that they don’t.  You mean loud noises don’t really bother you?!  You mean you’re not bothered by coarse fabrics?  You don’t get nervous when someone is watching you do something?  You must be an alien!  Except no, the alien, folks, is me.  Just kidding.  We are 20% of the population, so not so alien after all.  But the point is, something about us, oh, maybe the way we are so very moody, makes it difficult for people to live very very closely to us, which marriage is.  Anyhow, as you can probably guess, this doesn’t make me feel too good about myself.  So it’s been awhile since I’ve thought about these personality things.  Thankfully, it is the Lord who brought me to my husband, and my husband to me.  His ways really are higher than our ways.  My thoughts are kind of all over the place on this.  I guess I just feel bummed when things aren’t working out for people and of course I can’t have any way of knowing what is actually going on, so how can I say anything?  It’s all very confusing.  Years and years have passed and so much change, too.

I think that’s what ties all of these thoughts together.  Change.  I don’t like change.  Since I’m back home, I’ve realized a lot of folks are probably still around, but I don’t know if they would want to talk to me.  There’s always the past, the connections to this person or that person, and then there’s this huge gap of time, and by now, I have no clue what to think or what they think, or if they even think.  I want to connect with people, but I have no words.  Or maybe they’re busy.  Or maybe I’m busy.  I would be okay, except see the reason I’m writing this is that I spent too long scrolling through a NewsFeed, reading just that.  News.  News about people, when all I really want is to actually sit down and talk to them, except I also don’t want that as well.  Because what if they don’t open?  That feeling when you can’t seem to get through feels even lonelier, somehow.  Why do things change?  So we left our old community behind, but I am forming a new community here, and it will take time.

I feel there is a new stage of life ahead of me.  The leaves are growing a radiant reddish hue and life is morphing as well.  It seems as I grow older, family becomes more and more primary, and more of them actually need your care, or is it that I actually notice and care about someone other than myself.  I will be 29 in a few weeks.  Throughout most of my life, I haven’t felt my age.  I’ve always felt younger than I actually was.  Today though, my age feels very real to me.

Immuno-Boost

Yesterday I was planning to eat ramen for dinner, but then the hubby said he was feeling like something light and healthy, which usually means he’s exhausted and needs an immune system boost!

So I made this, instant pot congee.  I think it turned out fairly good and I would make again.  I also made him a smoothie and put all kinds of stuff in it that the Internet says is good for you– spinach, lime, berries, ginger, cinnamon, turmeric, chia seeds, Greek yogurt.  Next time, more ginger, cause he couldn’t taste it this time.