More inspiration

There are so many lovely Christians who write online.  Every so often I run into one.

Recently, I’ve been having a hard time.  The move here has exposed that I want so much for my self.  I want my time, my ambitions, my desires.  Instead, I’ve been drafted into a job that I am woefully not good at.  Not drafted, I willingly decided to join.  In my naivete, I did not anticipate what others saw coming.  My mother is an accountant.  She passed her CPA exam with two kids in tow.  She worked and fed us fresh meals every, single, day.  I never wanted to be an accountant.  I majored in Economics in college.  To most people, that might seem like it’s close to Accounting.  Let me tell you, it’s not.  Economists and Accountants are like the Chemists and Biologists of the world.  We deal with similar things, but from a different worldview.  Economists are always asking the question “Why?”, which I am very, very, inclined towards.  And, which seems to drive certain practical minds crazy.  “What do you mean why?”  If I have no answer to “Why?” I feel that what I am doing is meaningless.  And within myself I feel that it must not be arbitrary; there must be some secret that I don’t know, a reason for this seeming madness.  There must be an answer to that question.  And I feel it is hidden, and I cannot bear secrets.  I myself am terrible at keeping secrets, but only my own.  I can keep others.  With myself, I feel this odd need to divulge, that if I didn’t, I would be counted dishonest.  I feel the need to tell my hubby that I had another bothersome dream.  Even though I don’t need to.  Hubby is the opposite in this regard, but that’s for another blog post.  Anyway, sometimes, there are no answers.  At least, none that anyone can verbalize to an inquisitive, exasperated learner without becoming exhausted doing so.  How did I end up here?

We felt it was of the Lord that we come.  I had this place in my heart before we got married, but because of school and a job, it was not the time.  Now we are here, and I feel I just want to be by myself, holed up in a house, maybe pursuing my music, my cooking, my designing, my becoming an ultimate perfect housewife slash musician slash chef slash walking encyclopedia slash polyglot slash greenthumber slash DIYer.  In life, this desire for the ideal has often paralyzed me, pulled me in many directions, fueled my disappointment and self-disparagement.  At this point, I would generally break out with one of my favorite songs from Wicked 🙂

“I’m limited……..”

Ok but seriously, this mom’s post about contentment?  Wow.  It’s like my dream of a perfect life just got slapped in the face, in a good way.

Advertisements

Inspiration

I’ve been talking about how we need to write our story down, every once in awhile, but we have not gotten around to it.  But today I read this lady’s blog post about her husband and it cracked me up as well as reminded me a little of my journey.   And I told my hubby again, “We need to write our story down!”  I love how she wrote it, starting from the very beginning.

Lately, I keep having dreams where my first childhood crush appears, so it seems very appropriate to start from the very beginning.  At least when I talk about my own personal story.  But I think maybe when we talk about our story, we shouldn’t start from the very beginning.

You see, decisions like this make it difficult for me to write any story at all!

Stuck

I feel stuck.  How am I supposed to bring others somewhere where I am not?  I can’t.  And why should I bring others to where I am?  I think I shouldn’t.  Then what brings me here?

Moving has spun life into a swirl.  It means along with my physical location roots, I’ve uprooted a lot of other things too.  It’s like if I can all of a sudden be transplanted into another world, what else is a figment of my imagination?  Hm.

Tiles

Looking for some inspiration for this post, I turn to common everyday objects like our kitchen tiles.  I seem to do that a lot.  You could call it finding interest in the ordinary things, or you could call it a small world.  It’s all possible.  I’ve been feeling funny today.  It started with waking up and not wanting to get up, but knowing I had to get up because the tile people would show up at the door any second.  So I got up, put on something that didn’t resemble pajamas, and laid back down.  And then when the doorbell rang, I reluctantly went to go get it.  I paused at the door for a second, thinking to myself, maybe I should have combed my hair or at least looked at my face in the mirror.  Would the guy miss anything if I just left for a minute?  But I opened the door, and he looked at me all funny like “Can I come in?”  Yes, of course, come in.

And then I watched videos, which always puts me in a funny and reflective mood.  It’s not exactly a positive mood, because when my hubby called, I was sour and quiet.  Because he had interrupted my internal monologue.  But he didn’t know.  I just wanted to stay in my self, and think.  Think about whether saying something important over a text or an email is really disrespectful.  Is that really how people see it?  If that’s how it is, what am I going to do?  Think, think, think.  When I watch the media, it also brings me to feel.  Feel that maybe things are not as ideal as they could be.  Feel that my disappointment is warranted.  Feel that if I could change x, y, and z, I would be happier.  In my head, I know it’s not true.  In my experience, I also know this.  Something about the glitter makes you stop and wonder.  Oops, I forgot about the kitchen tiles.

Yeah, just kidding, I had no inspiration from the kitchen tiles.  Sometimes, some of them just don’t fit right, and you have to take them out and put other ones in.  At least, that’s what the worker did today.

Interior Design

How many years of study does it take to become an interior designer?  And how much of it is natural talent?  I’ve been reading up on design, since looking at our living room gives me little inspiration for what to do with it.  It’s difficult when you’re on a budget in your head which is not a budget at all (the budget is, I just bought a house, and I don’t want to spend anything until I feel like it again), and also wanting to not have a space that really looks designed (um contradiction, much?).  Not going to find that on Pinterest anywhere, I think.  Do people actually use these living rooms?  Or do those pillows just sit there, in that exact formation, pretending to be inviting, but inviting no one?  Is it just art?  Beautiful art, but I can’t picture myself or guests inside of it?  I wonder.

They say thick fabrics and woven work and textures contribute to a cozy living room.  They say area rugs help tie everything together, even if you have carpet, which seems a huge tragedy to me.  Someone else was trying to convince me on the benefits of an area rug.  The jury is out.  I’m stuck guys.

It’s funny, but life was easier when we just had to make do with what we had.  When I was a broke (whether in bank account, or just in my mind) girl with a couple roommates, and we collected things off the streets like it was gold and hauled it away to our temporary dwelling.  Chairs here, a dishrack there.  When the old bones of the building had its own charm and we just had to move in.  The little details were woven in by a Berkeley person of the past, giving the place its own character to stand on.  It was more than we could have asked for already as wanderers.

Now the choices and possibilities are seemingly endless and yet not.  There is a house across from us that looks exactly the same as ours.  Except we did choose a few things out of the options.  Mushroom color grout.  A certain color for our tile.  Granite in the bathroom (which apparently is way more finicky than I knew!)  Other than that, little to no upgrades, so that our seller questioned whether we were truly going to live here or were we planning to rent out the place?  I considered ourselves simple, happy with the basics.  We would DIY the rest of it, we said.  We wanted to learn.  We didn’t know that moving would involve learning to a point of certain exhaustion (or is it the heat?), if learning can do such a thing.  I’m just being dramatic.  We’re not exhausted.  Just tired.

Interior designers say you have to start with a vision.  What’s our vision?

zZzZz

Seriously I need to write!  I’ve been having tons of thoughts and thinking about where would be a good spot to put it all, but I feel awfully narcissistic putting it out on social media.  And I’m acutely aware of being narcissistic because more recently it’s been made clear to me that I am indeed a “Millennial” and with it comes certain things, including an increased absorption with myself.  I can’t disagree.

I’m pretty tired.  But I’m afraid to complain, at least to anyone other than my hubby.  Poor hubby, bears the miserable and irritable wifey and still has to tell her she’s awesome.  Convincingly.  He really is a saint, in the wrong sense of the word.  Me, on the other hand..

I feel overwhelmed with all the things that become possibilities once you move into a new (and bigger) house.  Secretly, and not so secretly, I wonder about moving back to our old one bedroom apartment.  Why do we have all this space?  What are we going to do with it?  No, I’m not pregnant.  With a house comes responsibilities, and Millennials aren’t exactly known for adulting.  *sigh*  With the onslaught of information, I feel paralyzed as well.  I can’t *just* buy furniture.  It has to be the right color, the right style, the right… something.  Yesterday I took a bunch of quizzes, to try to find out my interior design style.  I came back with a bunch of different, maybe contradictory, results.  I am… coastal, contemporary eclectic, traditional with an edge, mid-century modern, boho, farmhouse glam, a little industrial, warm industrial, contemporary, traditional….   What am I not?  I thought maybe if I did a little searching I’d find some place to start, but somehow, unlike planning a wedding, interiors are awfully more overwhelming and .. costly.  And I am cheap.  All those beautiful interiors you see on Pinterest seem to involve drastic changes.  I love the exposed wood ceilings, the grey walls, the colorful art pieces.  In a picture.  In the real world though, our house has standard white paint, tan color carpet, and builder’s oak cabinets.  So I’m struggling to figure out what to fill our now sort of empty living room with.  And to shell out money to work it into a style seems ridiculous to me.  Why, I could buy sushi with that money, you know what I mean?  That’s what I’m talking about.  Speaking of sushi.

People ask me if I miss Long Beach.  Oh I do.  I miss the food.  As if that doesn’t expose me enough.  I miss the really good food, the kind of food I would eat and bounce around happily while eating it because it was that good.  There is NOTHING like that here.  I’m serious.  Nothing.

Should I try to end this on a positive note?  Nah.  🙂

Had too many tomatoes..

So made spaghetti sauce from scratch!  Used this recipe.  Unlike last time I tried to make spaghetti sauce from scratch, this time it turned out much better.  I wasn’t too afraid of adding salt, so I think that helped.  I like that this doesn’t involve any canned ingredients at all and I had everything I needed, except for the parsley which I substituted some random pizza seasoning I had on hand.  I like how the carrot also cuts the acidity.  Yum.