I need a lint roller.

The handy, all-in-one tool.  I ditched it, along with a lot of other things, when I left school.  But now I need one again.

Also, I need to stop shopping online for deals because in a lot of cases they are not really deals, and then I’ve added all this stuff to my cart only to delete it all, and that’s the end of that.  It was okay in college, but now ain’t nobody got time for that!

 

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Coffee

Is evil.  No but yesterday, I drank regular, caffeinated coffee for the first time in, well, awhile.  I knew I shouldn’t have, and I didn’t care.  I did it anyway.  (Sound familiar?)  I added three packs of sugar to it, or maybe four.  Anyhow, it tasted alright.  I didn’t sleep well last night, barely becoming horizontal at midnight and surfing the net until my weary over-stimulated self decided enough was enough and went to sleep.

I woke up with not the best of thoughts, and upon retelling the story to MK, received a “You should know better” in response.  Yeah, I should, right?  I should know better, especially after all those books I read about caffeine and lack of sleep and depression and anxiety.  But maybe a part of me felt strong and wanted to test it.  And I think I’m glad that I did.

Well I got home, and did not feel like doing a-n-y-thing.  Should I organize my cabinet?  Nah.  Study for the GREs?  Nah.  Clean up my closet?  Nah.  Go out with a friend?  Nah.  My eyes ached a little, a feeling that brought me straight back to the FTTA, you know, where every waking second was spent with less than stellar sleep the night before, and eye creams were introduced to my life.  Speaking of eye creams, I have since given them up after graduating.

So the point is, I should not drink coffee.  I need my sleep.  Without sleep, I no longer function very well nor care to.

The End.  How’s that for monumental and inspiring.

Food

I never thought I would find so much supply in a simple hour of Bible study with some brothers and sisters I hardly know on a human level.  We only met this year and most of them live in the city, but now that we are getting into 2 Timothy with the footnotes, I feel fed each week.  Nothing is that profound and sometimes I have nothing to say, but somehow I feel the Lord is there, blessing our coming together to simply be in His Word and ministry.  

I also got a chance to pray with B today.  I don’t know what it is about praying with someone with whom I have two years of solid prayer with, but it is true that somehow, we know each other’s spirits and are built up together.  The distance may be there, the human situations may be there, but when we pray, oh how I am reminded of what we have and what is eternal.

I have come to the conclusion that I am incredibly blessed to have grown up amongst believers who endeavored to live Christ.  No, none of them were perfect, but in a world where I am surrounded by those who would care nothing for Him, I am made clear of the blessings of being a “child of Zion” so they say.  To be among those who fear God, is better than to be among those who curse Him. 

“Have I … “

R has known me for years now.  R replies, “Idk”.  “No, really, are you sure you don’t know?” “Well..”  And the thoughts come untangled, confirming my own feeling.  “I KNOW RIGHT”  I reply, feeling validated. “.. I don’t know what has happened to me.”  I really do think I need to make an appointment to test something, but — yes, the dreaded “but” — it’s one of those items I’m procrastinating on because I feel like it will be a failure.  And I hate wasting time on something that will turn out to be a failure.  Or well, that I think will turn out to be a failure, to be accurate.  (Did you see that– cognitive distortion caught right there!)

Somehow, it seems like we always need something to blame.  I forget where I read about this.  Maybe it’s this, maybe it’s that, whose fault is it?  Especially in the workplace, some are immediately focused on where the blame lies, when perhaps the better question to ask ourselves is what can we do.

This past week, a man about fifty came and asked to sit with me and talk over lunch.  I had been trying to surreptitiously scarf down a sandwich, and I stared at him for a little while as I chewed.  He hesitated upon realizing that he had invaded my space (Hello, I am chewing and I’m sure it ain’t pretty), and upon seeing his hesitation, I felt I had nothing to lose so I obliged him.  What interesting conversation was I going to be having by myself anyway?  He said he had been reading a book Never Eat Alone.  I had been sitting alone.  I thought the title  interesting, and apparently it seems to be a book about networking and broadening one’s horizons by… never eating alone?  Something like that.   We proceeded to talk about where I came from, which obviously led to talking about the training, which led to his comments about his skepticism regarding religions that close people off from the outside world and how precious my 20s are.  I told him I didn’t regret the decision I made to go, but that I could also never know what would have happened if I had chose not to.  He said he was surprised I hadn’t tried to convert him yet.  So I told him in summary the mystery of human life, and no, he did not get saved, but there it was, in twenty five seconds.  It may have never been spoken so dryly before.  Point is, I really didn’t care to pretend enthusiasm in order to incite it in him, but I did feel obligated to at least tell him what it was that I used to speak to strangers on a regular basis about.  I feel like I had already encountered discouragement when he had responded to my initial comment about Bible school by saying he was a “spiritual” and not “religious” person and tried to lead an ethical, moral, life by himself.  To him, religion was a highly personal matter and thus he was not inclined to attend “church”.  Now this is a comment that I heard fairly regularly in Berkeley, and generally it leaves me at an impasse.  Our conversation nonetheless was quite pleasant, and I am fond of speaking with older folks who have seen much.  He did applaud my desire to go into speech language therapy, noting that the hours were flexible, the pay was good, and the work in demand.  Well there it is, very practical.  (Sigh.)  At the end of our conversation, he said, “I knew I would learn something new when I sat down at lunch today”.  I never got his name, and he didn’t get mine.  He did mention he had a son at Cal though, and I wonder who it is.  Oh, what do you do with a lukewarm gospel?  There must be a remedy.

Making home.

While God is making home in my heart, I am slowly but surely making home in my apartment. I’m pretty happy about what we have done with it so far 🙂 I met with H today after a long rest and it felt good catching up and imparting words hopefully of life! It felt reminiscent of UCI days. I almost couldn’t believe it was happening. 🙂 Joy!

Oil

Wasn’t really feeling up for the meeting tonight but was so glad I went. Our lives are our opportunity to buy oil. It is cheapest now. If we don’t buy oil we will be like a car that runs out of gasoline that wasn’t watchful. This means we cannot live in a loose way because accumulating oil takes time. Just like accumulating learning in human life takes time and regulation.. We need to spend the time to buy the oil, that is the Spirit. The Lord is coming back. After the training I had no desire to be regulated anymore. I still do not. But if I see that I cannot waste time because I must gain the oil to see the Bridegroom and gain the reward then I believe my view concerning regulation will change.