I am frustrated right now. This is not supposed to be a ranting blog but something has struck a chord within me, in the negative sense (what’s the figurative way to say that?). These are the times where I can’t reconcile the theories and ideals in my mind and in the Word with what is present within me and in the world. And it makes me so frustrated. It is similar to that quote by Gandhi that goes, “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ.” If we are going to talk about growth and transformation, oh, how I long to see it manifested. I don’t understand, whether it is real or not. I know some who were born with good dispositions, who grow to have the same good disposition, and then there are some who maybe do not have quite so good dispositions. I am not content to live my selfish life in the same way that I have always lived it, but neither am I content to try to become a better person and pass that off as transformation (However I should say that I am not against becoming a better person for the good of society). So that leaves me with one question, is transformation real or is it not? And if it is real, what does it look like? Some, like Paul, have a dynamic salvation, that changes them drastically within days and weeks. It is more difficult for me to see any sort of gradual transformation in Paul (not that there wasn’t any, I just can’t see it), from the Word. Christ was born a Godman and while He experienced baptism, I don’t recall Him ever needing to go through a process of “organic salvation”. So what examples do I have before me? I did not know Watchman Nee nor Witness Lee on a personal level, though I have read the biography of Watchman Nee and while I enjoyed it much, I do wish there had been one written by a certain M.E. Barber who spiritually mentored him while he was a young man through her pointed discipleship. I have many spiritual mothers and fathers, but I still do not know their stories, and even if I knew them, there is nothing quite like seeing a caterpillar make its cocoon and burst out of it as a butterfly yourself. Transformation! What is it? I’m a skeptic, I’m afraid.
The second item is, where do pet peeves come from? Are they inborn or are they through nurturing? Today my friend asked if it was okay if she eat a certain item in my room, and I winced. I said “Well.. if you eat it on a plate okay. And not on the bed. I’d actually feel better if you eat it on the desk. Sorry.. OCD.” She understood, as all my friends come to understand, that there are certain things I am particular about– one is the cleanliness of my sleeping quarters, (though this morning I joyously ate breakfast on my cot in the hotel because I could). “Oh right, you’re a germaphobe.” Is the usual response I receive after I explain what bothers me. “Yeah.. I know, I’m weird”.
Today I successfully held a toddler for a little while, besides S, and fed him his oatmeal, all without making him cry! Happy day. I have always been nervous about holding little ones because I feel like so many of them will get anxious and start crying. And then that makes me worried and sad for them. And now I know why Mothers always complain about how heavy their children are and how they are getting workouts. Workout, indeed.
Sleep is calling, as usual.
I saw a certain older sister this morning who blew me a kiss across the aisle and smiled a smile that brightened up my morning. So many dear grandmothers to admire.