I am not hungry. What I mean is, this morning, I surfed the Internet for rabbit rescue centers in the North Bay, and then found Glee covers that were supposedly better than the originals, and they were pretty good. And I quickly read my portion of the morning revival, because something in me still wants to spend time with the Lord, but I am not hungry. I feel like a distracted child, who is asking, “When will this be over?” I don’t like mornings, and I seem to happily drift into whatever might instantly gratify me when I’m not so happy about being awake. My iPhone. I do feel like my smartphone is a large reason why I’m not that healthy (spiritually/physically/in general), but I am not looking to give it up so I’m not sure what to do there.
And it’s kind of discouraging. It’s discouraging to come home from prayer meeting and really want to just check who is still remaining on The Voice (is it rigged?). It’s discouraging to be counting down the minutes on the clock before I’m free. It’s discouraging to know that I can spend hours upon hours on something, but when it comes to spiritual things, suddenly I have no energy. And yeah, the disciples were like this, but that was PRE-resurrection. So I have to wonder, I think I’m regenerated, so what’s up?
I’ve been proofreading lately, and one of the portions I proofread was about life. And about salvation. And about how although doctrinally speaking regeneration and salvation are supposed to be one and the same, experientially it seems they are not. And how someone can be saved but not regenerated, in the sense that they only avoid certain things because they feel the church tells them to. But if someone is regenerated, they avoid doing things because inwardly they cannot, they feel unpleasant to do those things. In those times I wonder to myself, what about me? Have I made any progress, or is it all outward law? Am I just doing things because that’s what I feel is expected of me? It could be partially the OCD kicking in, as I do things like ask my husband “Am I regenerated?” He says he can see God’s shepherding of me. But sometimes I am doubtful. Have I grown? Will I ever grow? Is something missing? I have to admit, I do not love music the way I used to love music in high school, where my friends and I would literally be glued to our headphones between periods, and even in class if we could, and fall asleep to it, but I still love music to some degree. And the Lord. The Lord is invisible and inaudible. Yet many experienced Him as the Spirit, in a more real way than the disciples did. I’ve always loved this hymn by Watchman Nee. I still would love to have the Lord actually sit here and answer my questions face to face, while munching a piece of fish, but I hope I (we) can know Him more “transparently.”
1 Oh, Jesus, Lord, when Thou on earth
Accompanied Thy faithful band,
It seemed they knew, but knew Thee not,
Thyself they did not understand.
2 They heard Thy voice, beheld Thy form,
Thy beauteous stature unforgot;
They crowded ‘round Thee, met Thy gaze,
But who Thou art, they knew it not.
3 As they of old we too are veiled;
We’ve known Thee long apparently;
Yet if we say we know, at best
We know Thee not transparently.
4 But as the Spirit now Thou art,
Another Comforter become;
Reveal Thyself within my heart,
Since to Thy temple Thou hast come.
5 With Thy blest Spirit, Lord, fill me,
Fill every corner of my soul;
May Thou inspire my every part,
Oh may Thou touch, renew the whole.
6 The Spirit then revealing make
Thyself more real within my heart,
That ear not hear, nor eye may see
How very real to me Thou art.
7 When Thou in mercy dost reveal
And give Thyself as Spirit thus,
What in the world can be more real,
More true than what Thou art to us?
8 Thy Spirit, Lord, in mine, I pray,
O’erflow my being as a flood,
That every part with glory shine
And everywhere be Thee and God.
9 How close we are in such a life,
In one is blended earth with heav’n;
Thy presence sweetly fills our souls;
Our hearts are to Thy praises giv’n.