Loneliness and Insecurity

There’s a weird feeling I have at the moment, and it’s called loneliness and insecurity.  It means I want to talk and make a friend, but I’m insecure/anxious about how the conversation would go and whether it would be a positive overall interaction or a negative one.

As an HSP, apparently I go out of my way to avoid uncomfortable situations, so you can guess where that leaves me.  I guess I’ve kind of forgotten about my HSP-ness, except today, I noticed one of my friends on Facebook, an acquaintance, rather, had changed her last name back to her maiden name.  That’s never a good sign when you know they are (were?) married.  It’s really disheartening and while one shouldn’t jump to conclusions, I thought back to the research I read a long time ago about how neuroticism is the number one personality predictor of an unhappy marriage, in so many words.  I think HSP-ness and neuroticism pretty much overlap quite a bit.  So I made my hubby take the HSP test.  He’s not an HSP (no surprise at all there).  I think when I make my hubby take tests like these and listen to his responses, I realize how much I assume everyone around me must think the way I think, or feel the way I feel in response to things, and how strange it is to find out that they don’t.  You mean loud noises don’t really bother you?!  You mean you’re not bothered by coarse fabrics?  You don’t get nervous when someone is watching you do something?  You must be an alien!  Except no, the alien, folks, is me.  Just kidding.  We are 20% of the population, so not so alien after all.  But the point is, something about us, oh, maybe the way we are so very moody, makes it difficult for people to live very very closely to us, which marriage is.  Anyhow, as you can probably guess, this doesn’t make me feel too good about myself.  So it’s been awhile since I’ve thought about these personality things.  Thankfully, it is the Lord who brought me to my husband, and my husband to me.  His ways really are higher than our ways.  My thoughts are kind of all over the place on this.  I guess I just feel bummed when things aren’t working out for people and of course I can’t have any way of knowing what is actually going on, so how can I say anything?  It’s all very confusing.  Years and years have passed and so much change, too.

I think that’s what ties all of these thoughts together.  Change.  I don’t like change.  Since I’m back home, I’ve realized a lot of folks are probably still around, but I don’t know if they would want to talk to me.  There’s always the past, the connections to this person or that person, and then there’s this huge gap of time, and by now, I have no clue what to think or what they think, or if they even think.  I want to connect with people, but I have no words.  Or maybe they’re busy.  Or maybe I’m busy.  I would be okay, except see the reason I’m writing this is that I spent too long scrolling through a NewsFeed, reading just that.  News.  News about people, when all I really want is to actually sit down and talk to them, except I also don’t want that as well.  Because what if they don’t open?  That feeling when you can’t seem to get through feels even lonelier, somehow.  Why do things change?  So we left our old community behind, but I am forming a new community here, and it will take time.

I feel there is a new stage of life ahead of me.  The leaves are growing a radiant reddish hue and life is morphing as well.  It seems as I grow older, family becomes more and more primary, and more of them actually need your care, or is it that I actually notice and care about someone other than myself.  I will be 29 in a few weeks.  Throughout most of my life, I haven’t felt my age.  I’ve always felt younger than I actually was.  Today though, my age feels very real to me.

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Epigenetics

Whoa!  I didn’t know this field existed.  Pretty cool.  Now it makes even more sense to feel it’s important to understand your family history.  These days, or maybe it’s our generation, but we don’t seem to value our elders that much.  Their stories and what they have gone through though may have more impact on our own lives than we know.

 

Old and Stale

My question to my mom before I got married was, “How do we stay fresh?”.  My main fear was becoming old and stale.  It was inevitable, wasn’t it?  Everything in the old creation gradually becomes old, stale, and dies.  The beautiful flowers eventually wither and fall.  My car puts on miles and scratches day after day.  Our clothes grow weary.  Was there any secret?  I didn’t know.  I still don’t know.  But I like the name of this site–Happy Wives Club.  Pretty cute.

So I’ll leave you with a quote from Fawn, since she’s been doing more research on the subject than me– “The best time to love with your whole heart is always now, in this moment, because no breath beyond the current is promised.”

There you have it.  Isn’t so much of the advice in our lives focused on the now?

Emojis! =)

When I was not yet going out with now Hubby, we did not talk much.  However, there were some incidents here and there leading up to our courtship that we do remember fondly.  Now that we are married, I ask him to tell me those stories over and over again.

One of them involves an emoji.  We were going over to a family’s house for lunch, and I happened to be grabbing potato salad for the event.  I was running late.  A certain boy was busy barbecuing in the backyard and texted me to say something like “Take your time.  We’ll save food for you =)”.  I remember getting that text while I was on the way to the store with someone I can’t remember who, and smiling to myself.  “How nice!” I thought.  But I also had another thought cross my mind, “He used a smiley face.  That’s interesting… he’s never done that before.  I wonder if he likes me?  But he could be just a nice person.  Hm.  Whatever!”  When I got to the house, I went to say hi to the boys barbecuing.  Hubby remembers that hello very clearly.  I guess it was the first time I actually came to say hi to him?  So there you have it.  The moral of the story is, be careful about sending emojis, guys.  Unless of course if that’s what you’re going for, then send away!

Summer is almost here, and the teachers and students are all counting the days.  I myself have some projects I want to work on, including finishing Marie Kondo’s book about tidying up and cleaning out the mess that is my closet.  I’ve been looking into different options for my old clothes, from donating to selling both locally and online.  Sometimes I get lost in the research and information out there.  It is the same for cooking.  There are just so many recipes to try, and not enough time in life to get through all of them!  I don’t know if it’s because I’m 27 now, but time seems awfully short.  The amount of things I could possibly learn is endless, never mind the things I could do.  I also have a little bit of an itch to bake.  My KitchenAid mixer is sitting somewhere in our kitchen all by itself.  It might just be time to bring it out, now that we’ve finally adjusted the height!  But really, where are my priorities?  Often I feel I am spread thin in my head.  So I curl up into a ball and watch the latest YouTube videos or check on my Neko Atsume cats.  Let me just close my eyes, and sleep.

Eating out less

Today’s dinner was a messy conglomeration of half defrosted chicken that baked in the oven for so long and was still pink (but safe to eat, we found out) and salad.  There was rice too, but we forgot about it.  Life has been tricky in the cooking department.  Meal planning is still not my forte,  I mean, preference.  I mean I think about meal planning, and I just don’t want to do it.  The idea of making food that I possibly wanted to eat a few days ago but may not want to eat the day of seems miserable.  Is it more miserable than finding out we spent too much money on pho and In-N-Out because we didn’t feel like eating dumplings that night, and there was nothing planned?  I’m not sure.

I haven’t balanced last month’s money ins and outs yet.  Being grown up is hard sometimes.  As a teen, I hoped to be grown up by 18.  But when 18 rolled around, I felt quite juvenile.  Now, I’m a lot older than 18, and if I consider my age and what I thought I would accomplish by now for too long, well, it can be discouraging.  Often times, I look for inspiration to start something new.  Guidance of some sort.  Tips, rules, someone’s past experiences and knowledge, anything I can hang onto.  It’s nice that we live in the age of Internet now, where so much information is readily available.  But I think for me, sometimes it results in analysis paralysis and a perfectionism that might not have been as common in a world less connected.

I’m pooped.  Goodnight.

Rough

Life has been rough, especially this past week.  I’ll attribute it ambiguously to health things, and I can only hope that with time the effects will be less.  I can’t be entirely sure, and it is scary going into a tunnel that feels familiar yet different.

Thankfully, these days, respite is not as difficult to be found, in a fond memory of Taco Tuesdays in college or a large slice of Costco pizza.  Hmm, why do I see a trend?

Thoughts and fears can be overwhelming at times in a strange kind of way.  For a moment you recognize that they come from within you and that they are not quite real.  Yet the madness seems impossible to shake at the moment.  You bury your head in your Bible reading.  Isaiah.  Not much in there that I can actually understand, but still a comfort, nonetheless.  Then, the thought of food prepared by somebody else.

Will ever food prepared by me be as good as food prepared by somebody else?  I mean subjectively.  A humble bowl of lentils prepared by a friend for some reason, is much more delicious than a feast prepared by me.  That may be an exaggeration.  There are a few things that I can make that I enjoy.  One thing that I have enjoyed is guacamole.  But it also takes me like three hours to chop and MASH everything omg mashing.

Cereal for days

Cereal is an appropriate lunch meal, right?

Hubby wakes up early to go to work.  I woke up today at the same time because my stomach was hungry.  I guess eating salmon, veggies, and rice wasn’t enough to last me through a longer night.  So steel-cut oats, berries (how I MISS the NZ berries), and banana, and then off for some reading and quiet time which led to falling asleep.  I mean I guess it was inevitable since I was reading in bed.  Or was it?

Four hours later…

I can’t decide if it’s breakfast or lunch time.  But I haven’t established any sort of lunch meal routine, so I boil an egg and eat cereal.  I need some convincing that lunch is a worthwhile meal to eat, but cooking two meals in a day doesn’t seem like a great idea, and sandwiches don’t seem great either.  So I eat breakfast twice.

I realized recently that instead of buying the hubby sandwich meat, I could just roast a chicken and we could use that!  It’s yummier, and I don’t have to worry about bad nitrates!  So tonight I’m going to roast a cornish hen.  The last time I did it, it kind of grossed me out.  Because when I pulled it out of it’s plastic sack, it looked like a real chicken.  A headless, naked one.  EEKS.  So I was a little squeamish.  Yesterday though, I cooked a salmon head!

Mom’s Recipe for Salmon Heads

  • Clean fish head (I asked the fish folks at the Asian market counter to do this, aka, remove the gills and scales, and cut it in half lengthwise)
  • Put salt and pepper on both sides of both halves.  Pat dry (I forgot to do this, but Mom says it helps the frying).  Let it sit for like 10 minutes.
  • Put some oil, and a few ginger slices.  Pan fry both sides of the fish, Mom said until it’s lightly browned or something, a minute or two?
  • Add chopped green onions, rice wine (like half a cup), and like a tablespoon of soy sauce.  Cover and simmer for like fifteen minutes. You should also flip the fish in the middle of the time cause Mom said it would be better that way.  Flipping the fish is kind of difficult with particularly large salmon heads.  I had my hubby help.  Mom said to use a spatula.

And that’s all!  It’s a mellow flavor, hubby wanted to add salt, but I was pleased with it.  Reminded me of childhood.

So I should be okay with naked chickens, right?

Anyhow, I looked up some recipes online but they all asked for roasting pans and I didn’t want to pull out our roasting pan.  I mean, we do have one.. but.. I don’t want to wash it cause it looks too much like a contraption.

So I knew I had a recipe for roasting a cornish hen from one of those food box companies around Thanksgiving time!  And it used a regular pan.  If they say I can do it, I know it won’t be a disaster.  Thank you, Blue Apron!

Next, searching for recipes for some green beans cause you can’t just have a meal with chicken, I think.