There’s a weird feeling I have at the moment, and it’s called loneliness and insecurity. It means I want to talk and make a friend, but I’m insecure/anxious about how the conversation would go and whether it would be a positive overall interaction or a negative one.
As an HSP, apparently I go out of my way to avoid uncomfortable situations, so you can guess where that leaves me. I guess I’ve kind of forgotten about my HSP-ness, except today, I noticed one of my friends on Facebook, an acquaintance, rather, had changed her last name back to her maiden name. That’s never a good sign when you know they are (were?) married. It’s really disheartening and while one shouldn’t jump to conclusions, I thought back to the research I read a long time ago about how neuroticism is the number one personality predictor of an unhappy marriage, in so many words. I think HSP-ness and neuroticism pretty much overlap quite a bit. So I made my hubby take the HSP test. He’s not an HSP (no surprise at all there). I think when I make my hubby take tests like these and listen to his responses, I realize how much I assume everyone around me must think the way I think, or feel the way I feel in response to things, and how strange it is to find out that they don’t. You mean loud noises don’t really bother you?! You mean you’re not bothered by coarse fabrics? You don’t get nervous when someone is watching you do something? You must be an alien! Except no, the alien, folks, is me. Just kidding. We are 20% of the population, so not so alien after all. But the point is, something about us, oh, maybe the way we are so very moody, makes it difficult for people to live very very closely to us, which marriage is. Anyhow, as you can probably guess, this doesn’t make me feel too good about myself. So it’s been awhile since I’ve thought about these personality things. Thankfully, it is the Lord who brought me to my husband, and my husband to me. His ways really are higher than our ways. My thoughts are kind of all over the place on this. I guess I just feel bummed when things aren’t working out for people and of course I can’t have any way of knowing what is actually going on, so how can I say anything? It’s all very confusing. Years and years have passed and so much change, too.
I think that’s what ties all of these thoughts together. Change. I don’t like change. Since I’m back home, I’ve realized a lot of folks are probably still around, but I don’t know if they would want to talk to me. There’s always the past, the connections to this person or that person, and then there’s this huge gap of time, and by now, I have no clue what to think or what they think, or if they even think. I want to connect with people, but I have no words. Or maybe they’re busy. Or maybe I’m busy. I would be okay, except see the reason I’m writing this is that I spent too long scrolling through a NewsFeed, reading just that. News. News about people, when all I really want is to actually sit down and talk to them, except I also don’t want that as well. Because what if they don’t open? That feeling when you can’t seem to get through feels even lonelier, somehow. Why do things change? So we left our old community behind, but I am forming a new community here, and it will take time.
I feel there is a new stage of life ahead of me. The leaves are growing a radiant reddish hue and life is morphing as well. It seems as I grow older, family becomes more and more primary, and more of them actually need your care, or is it that I actually notice and care about someone other than myself. I will be 29 in a few weeks. Throughout most of my life, I haven’t felt my age. I’ve always felt younger than I actually was. Today though, my age feels very real to me.