Home Again

Here I am again.  I’ve found a new morning routine for myself, ever since I discovered the Sleep Cycle app.  It’s a really cool app which tracks your sleeping cycles using your phone’s microphone, and wakes you up at the point where you’re the most awake, so it’s easier for you to wake up.  For a person that has struggled with waking up since exiting the womb, well I had to try it.  It has worked really well, and it’s also very interesting to see your actual cycle from being awake, to sleeping, to deep sleeping.

A corner of the dining room lets in the morning sunlight, so that’s where I choose to sit in the anxiety of the morning.  I feel like a cat sometimes, curling up in a spot where I can feel the warmth of the sun after escaping from sleep.  I miss feeling calm.  Little bursts of electricity run around inside my body.  They gather in my core.  I just want to hide from the day, from the eyes, from the confusion, from the judgment, from the reverberations of billions of beings on this earth with convictions and experiences and opinions and knowledge and voices and actions.  I can’t tell if the ache inside is because I’m hungry or because of my mind.  I think a little of both.


On Sensory-Overload and OCD

Does anyone else find Facebook incredibly overwhelming?  Like a compulsive need to “get through” the Newsfeed once it is opened?  No, just me?  Staying away from Facebook feels good, more relaxing.  But then I don’t want to miss the latest engagement of my acquaintances, so I check.  Yes, there have been at least two engagements in the last two weeks.  So I’m right on the money (is that how they say it?).  But then my Feed is FILLED with Piano Teacher group stuff and InstantPot stuff and I can hardly wade through it all!  But I feel like I have to, lest I miss something.  #alittleOCD.  And I think I’m addicted to information, or something like that.

Last night I had a lot of thoughts I wanted to blog about.  Does that happen to anyone else too?  It’s like I have all these perfect dialogues going on in my head of conversations that I should be having, and also sentence after sentence of writing, and they aren’t just shapeless thoughts, they’re full-fledged sentences, and I can’t.  Write.  Them.  Down.  Because I am in bed.  And I think if I get up, it will mess up my circadian rhythm or something, which is already in shambles.  I’m too dramatic, but it’s what comes out, so….

You know when you thought you had things to say, but then you can’t remember what they were?  That’s how I feel right now.  Like all these things that were keeping me up at night, taking up precious sleep time, have disappeared!  It’s funny how things seem 10x more important when they come up in your thoughts at 10pm and no one is awake to hear them.  Then in the morning, it’s like nothing is more important than keeping my eyes closed on this fluffy pillow for as long as possible.  Why?!?!?

Emojis! =)

When I was not yet going out with now Hubby, we did not talk much.  However, there were some incidents here and there leading up to our courtship that we do remember fondly.  Now that we are married, I ask him to tell me those stories over and over again.

One of them involves an emoji.  We were going over to a family’s house for lunch, and I happened to be grabbing potato salad for the event.  I was running late.  A certain boy was busy barbecuing in the backyard and texted me to say something like “Take your time.  We’ll save food for you =)”.  I remember getting that text while I was on the way to the store with someone I can’t remember who, and smiling to myself.  “How nice!” I thought.  But I also had another thought cross my mind, “He used a smiley face.  That’s interesting… he’s never done that before.  I wonder if he likes me?  But he could be just a nice person.  Hm.  Whatever!”  When I got to the house, I went to say hi to the boys barbecuing.  Hubby remembers that hello very clearly.  I guess it was the first time I actually came to say hi to him?  So there you have it.  The moral of the story is, be careful about sending emojis, guys.  Unless of course if that’s what you’re going for, then send away!

Summer is almost here, and the teachers and students are all counting the days.  I myself have some projects I want to work on, including finishing Marie Kondo’s book about tidying up and cleaning out the mess that is my closet.  I’ve been looking into different options for my old clothes, from donating to selling both locally and online.  Sometimes I get lost in the research and information out there.  It is the same for cooking.  There are just so many recipes to try, and not enough time in life to get through all of them!  I don’t know if it’s because I’m 27 now, but time seems awfully short.  The amount of things I could possibly learn is endless, never mind the things I could do.  I also have a little bit of an itch to bake.  My KitchenAid mixer is sitting somewhere in our kitchen all by itself.  It might just be time to bring it out, now that we’ve finally adjusted the height!  But really, where are my priorities?  Often I feel I am spread thin in my head.  So I curl up into a ball and watch the latest YouTube videos or check on my Neko Atsume cats.  Let me just close my eyes, and sleep.

Ten million and one things to do.

Does anyone else feel like this on a daily basis, but then sits around and watches YouTube?  UGH.  Just me?  Because YouTube is EASY.  It’s one click, maybe two, maybe three.  Instant entertainment.  UGH, again.

OK, so this is going to be a more unconventional post, meaning I’m not going to pay attention to my grammar and caps and stuff and spelling ya.

I think that when things get overwhelming, I like to make lists.  So, here we go.  I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do now that we’re back from our honeymoon.  Honeymoon was awesome!  Everyone, when you get married, go on a honeymoon.  Do it.  Because I said so.  And because another family told us we had to.  I think we already were going to, but they insisted that we go.  OK, ok, we’ll go!  So we went to New  Zealand.  And it was lovely!  The air was pure and clean.  No really.  I actually hiked while we were there.  Is this annoying yet?  Yes?  Can I blame jet lag still?  No?

Ok so where was I.  List.  Yes.  Sometimes, the fact that I have ADD tendencies becomes really apparent.  Like days like today.  Especially when I have a million projects I want to do.  But let’s start with the necessary ones.

COSTCO. – I mean grocery shopping, of some sort.  My hubby is a trooper and eats sandwiches for lunch every day.  He also eats oatmeal with berries in the morning.  This means that if there is no bread, berries, or sandwich meat, he can’t really make his lunch or breakfast, and it also means he ends up eating out, at somewhere like MCDONALDS cause of his coworkers.  Dude, I didn’t even know people actually liked eating at McDonalds for real when they’re beyond Happy Meal age and McDonalds isn’t giving out Neopets anymore.  Is it a guy thing?  Anyway, so at some point today, I need to go to Costco.  Also, the Costco ad came today.  The first thing they are selling on sale is Whey Protein.  Now I’ve been wondering about whey protein, because when I was little, my mom used to make me protein shakes.  I really liked these protein shakes actually, and as someone with fast metabolism (see previous post), protein is an essential part of my daily meals.  It’s also why I feel like a vegetarian diet or even pescatarian diet is difficult.  I tried it for maybe a couple weeks in the first semester, and then I just didn’t do it anymore.  I don’t like feeling hungry all the time and worrying about whether I’m getting a complete protein by combining bean one with bean two.  Yes I made that up.  No I don’t know what I’m talking about.  Anyway.  So I’m not sure if I should buy protein or not, but it’s on sale!  So it warrants some consideration.

SLPA. – I need to do some work and finish something for this.  I can’t say what, because I’m ashamed that I’m still working on it. 😦  It’s going to take a chunk of time to do, and I’ve been putting it off because it reminds me of my failures.  So step one, is admitting, right?

COOKING WITH A PLAN. – AKA, not dumplings every night.  Tonight I’m going to try recreating my mom’s salmon head dish.  Because salmon heads are considerably cheaper by pound at the Asian market than a fillet is, and equally as delicious.  I’m armed with my mother’s recipe which involves no measurable ingredients nor quantifiable times.  I’m sure it will be no problem.  Oh wait, I need sides.  OK, what else, I’ll stir-fry some baby bok choy and make fresh rice, since yesterday I found out that dear hubby does not like old rice.  WHAT?

Let me tell you guys the proper way to reheat rice:

  • Cover rice bowl with a damp paper towel.  Reheat in microwave.  Stir.  Reheat some more.  This prevents your rice from being dried out and not tasty.  You’re welcome, now you won’t fear old rice.

Also, I’ve been wanting to create a recipe binder.  I even got a cute binder at Staples for it! Of course, one needs recipes before one can fill a binder…

STEP TWO OF COOKING WITH A PLAN. – Or is it step one?  Collect recipes!

CLEANING WITH A PLAN. – You’d think I never cleaned before in my life.  Oh I’ve cleaned before, but I’ve always lived with a vast amount of housemates.  That means that I had ONE job, every week, and everyone else got other jobs.  And I took about two hours to do that one job, very, thoroughly.  Let’s just say my roomies were very glad I was the person cleaning the bathroom.  Now we have an entire place, and at first, I was too scared of the bugs to venture into cleaning.  Now that the bugs are gone, I am still scared of remnant bugs.  Our place has been cleanest when we have had guests over.  So I guess that’s the secret, folks.  I need people over.

WAKE UP AT PROPER HOURS. – I wish I could blame jet lag.  Without an alarm clock, I sleep about 12 hours every night.  I think.  I need to measure it.  And I’ve been this way for. ever.  On Saturdays, my brother would bound out of bed in the early morning and come to my room and pull my blankets off of me in an attempt to wake me up to play.  Did I want to play?  NO.  I remember in college, my senior year, I took Spanish class.  10am, every day, or was it 11am?  It didn’t matter.  And in Bible school I was a walking zombie.  That was the first time the word “zombie” became real to me.  I just looked it up on Google and apparently there’s a SUCH THING as people that simply sleep.. a lot.  And that just kind of is how it goes.  But this is in the absence of other disorders.  So I probably should check if I have sleep apnea, etc, first.  Put that on the list of things I need to bring to my doctor so I don’t completely blank out when I go see her.  Oh but this guy says he went from 11 hours to 6 hours!  Hm….  Sleep, an eternal mystery.

CLEAN MY CAR. – Jaws, as I affectionately call him, is dirty.  He has empty water bottles all over the floor.  Why?  I don’t know.  He just does.

GET RID OF THINGS. – I’ve only made it halfway through Marie Kondo’s book, and…

GET A NEW MAILBOX APP. – Mailbox by Dropbox is shutting down.  I’m disappointed.  The other apps I’ve found so far are either for phones only or require a $, and I don’t think I should pay for an email app when I used to have one for free!  Apparently Polymail is coming out soon, let’s hope it’s real soon!

Maybe I should have just called this post, an enumeration of Esther’s current problems and what to do about them.  Haha.  What should I work on first?  Seriously though, we’re doing well.  I’m really glad that hubby and I got to take a trip together.  My heart is so full, in the cheesiest of ways.


Sleep. Or Lack Thereof.

I never wanted to admit how much sleep or lack thereof affected me, because it seemed weak.  I have always disliked such characters as the princess in the Princess and the Pea, but there you have it.  I might as well just accept that I am a princess.  My childhood heroes were tomboys, the Carrie Woodlands of the world, the Bridgets of the Traveling Pants series.  The coolest girl in class was the one who played soccer with all the boys and could outrun all of us.  I wanted to be tough, but my nature is otherwise.  Mother knew that, and diligently pushed us to bed on time as children, but when high school came, I would stay up in the wee hours of the night all by myself.  Well, I wasn’t really by myself, I was accompanied by a faithful band of friends.  We would chat about everything under the sun and homework, of course.  Weeks after weeks, I lived this way.  Mother would tell me to sleep and I would verbally comply, but the doors would shut behind me and there I was.  I know now that it isn’t normal to be tired so much, and it isn’t normal to have coworkers who realize that there are days when I’m not awake until noon.  Well, realizing it might be the first step, as they say.  It’s what happens after that though, that is the difficult part.  Goodnight, world.

I still need to sleep.

Again?  You mean I haven’t learned my lesson?

Not so fast, chickadee.  The truth is, I’ve been going to bed late ever since I got food poisoning last Saturday.  I’m not sure why, because they aren’t related, food poisoning and sleep, that is, although I can hypothesize about why one might be related to the other.  For instance, because of the weekend, my room is a bit out of sorts, and somehow that feeling of being unsettled stays with me.  It stays with me in the sense that in the back of my mind, there’s a vague knowledge that I have something to do.  This burden lies there waiting to be lifted, but since it’s so vague, I divert attention from it with Facebook, Gmail, my phone, my phone, my phone, and before I know it, the time for sleep has arrived.  Maybe this is all a lame excuse for procrastination, and before I become sadder and guiltier by the minute, we shall change the topic.

So the point is.  No, really, there has to be a point.

I had dinner with M today.  It was a quiet dinner, and as I chomped down on my food, I took a few breaths to look up at M.  A burst of recognition and an amused smile broke out on my face, as it usually does when something has just clicked.  “What’s wrong?  You’re tired, aren’t you” I say.  M’s eyes light up for a second as she responds, informing me that yes, she woke up at 5am that morning.  After that, both of us return to examining our food with our mouths.  It’s that little moment of connection, the one that makes me laugh for a second and return back to my food in peace, that makes eating out with a companion fun.  Then some moments later, I will look up again.  It feels like a dance, one between content grazing on a novel meal and curious gathering of updates on a familiar friend.

The B says I have spidey-sense, which is a good thing and a bad thing.  For now, there’s not much I can do about it.  I’m glad that they notice, though.

Today I read some definitions of certain logic fallacies.  Now my problem with some of the fallacies on the list is that I find myself asking, “Okay, it’s a fallacy, but what’s wrong with this fallacy?”  So many people want to point out “fallacies” as if they are the end all for your statement.  Like, if you use one, it’s game over.  But so what, if it doesn’t really contribute to the argument at a purely objective level, it’s still a valid point.  For instance, the “Genetic” fallacy, the fallacy that you judged something based on from whence it came.  Perhaps in the world of debate, the logic fallacy “genetic” is not acceptable for understandable reasons as it takes away attention from the pure argument itself, but in the actual world, I don’t think pointing out where something comes from should be considered “an argument that uses poor reasoning”.  In fact, one could argue that it should not belong on the list of fallacies.  Who decides what is poor reasoning and what is not?

Now, I just Wiki’d the list of fallacies, and it turns out it is on the list of “informal fallacies”, which makes sense.  I rest my rant then.  Blackwell defines informal fallacies as “arguments that are fallacious for reasons other than structural (formal) flaws and which usually require examination of the argument’s content”.  Alright, I’ll take that.  After all guys, we know source matters.  Source matters!  (Yes, cause typing it with an exclamation point will make it all the more believable.  What is that, the punctuation mark fallacy?)  And now, “Because Mom says so”, will still ring true.

Note to self: Do not inform any future children of logic fallacies lest they attempt to undermine my authority.

I hope it’s obvious that I’m kidding.  Big sigh.

Sleep is for the Weak

I need my sleep.  I want to think it’s not because I’m getting old, but because I’m using up more energy during the day trying to do my work thoroughly and accurately.  But who knows.  Basically, the point of this post is to remind myself of how tired I feel right now and how miserable I feel.  I slept at 1am, and in college that would’ve been fine, but seems like these days I can feel everything.  The best part is I had lunch with M who was feeling miserable too, so we decided to be miserable together, which actually consisted of us discussing a potential project for her.  We were not so miserable after all.  My plan this weekend, you ask?  To sleep, of course.