Hunger

I am not hungry.  What I mean is, this morning, I surfed the Internet for rabbit rescue centers in the North Bay, and then found Glee covers that were supposedly better than the originals, and they were pretty good.  And I quickly read my portion of the morning revival, because something in me still wants to spend time with the Lord, but I am not hungry.  I feel like a distracted child, who is asking, “When will this be over?”  I don’t like mornings, and I seem to happily drift into whatever might instantly gratify me when I’m not so happy about being awake.  My iPhone.  I do feel like my smartphone is a large reason why I’m not that healthy (spiritually/physically/in general), but I am not looking to give it up so I’m not sure what to do there.

And it’s kind of discouraging.  It’s discouraging to come home from prayer meeting and really want to just check who is still remaining on The Voice (is it rigged?).  It’s discouraging to be counting down the minutes on the clock before I’m free.  It’s discouraging to know that I can spend hours upon hours on something, but when it comes to spiritual things, suddenly I have no energy.  And yeah, the disciples were like this, but that was PRE-resurrection.  So I have to wonder, I think I’m regenerated, so what’s up?

I’ve been proofreading lately, and one of the portions I proofread was about life. And about salvation.  And about how although doctrinally speaking regeneration and salvation are supposed to be one and the same, experientially it seems they are not.  And how someone can be saved but not regenerated, in the sense that they only avoid certain things because they feel the church tells them to.  But if someone is regenerated, they avoid doing things because inwardly they cannot, they feel unpleasant to do those things.  In those times I wonder to myself, what about me?  Have I made any progress, or is it all outward law?  Am I just doing things because that’s what I feel is expected of me?  It could be partially the OCD kicking in, as I do things like ask my husband “Am I regenerated?”  He says he can see God’s shepherding of me.  But sometimes I am doubtful.  Have I grown?  Will I ever grow?  Is something missing?  I have to admit, I do not love music the way I used to love music in high school, where my friends and I would literally be glued to our headphones between periods, and even in class if we could, and fall asleep to it, but I still love music to some degree.  And the Lord.  The Lord is invisible and inaudible.  Yet many experienced Him as the Spirit, in a more real way than the disciples did.  I’ve always loved this hymn by Watchman Nee.   I still would love to have the Lord actually sit here and answer my questions face to face, while munching a piece of fish, but I hope I (we) can know Him more “transparently.”

 

1 Oh, Jesus, Lord, when Thou on earth
Accompanied Thy faithful band,
It seemed they knew, but knew Thee not,
Thyself they did not understand.
2 They heard Thy voice, beheld Thy form,
Thy beauteous stature unforgot;
They crowded ‘round Thee, met Thy gaze,
But who Thou art, they knew it not.
3 As they of old we too are veiled;
We’ve known Thee long apparently;
Yet if we say we know, at best
We know Thee not transparently.
4 But as the Spirit now Thou art,
Another Comforter become;
Reveal Thyself within my heart,
Since to Thy temple Thou hast come.
5 With Thy blest Spirit, Lord, fill me,
Fill every corner of my soul;
May Thou inspire my every part,
Oh may Thou touch, renew the whole.
6 The Spirit then revealing make
Thyself more real within my heart,
That ear not hear, nor eye may see
How very real to me Thou art.
7 When Thou in mercy dost reveal
And give Thyself as Spirit thus,
What in the world can be more real,
More true than what Thou art to us?
8 Thy Spirit, Lord, in mine, I pray,
O’erflow my being as a flood,
That every part with glory shine
And everywhere be Thee and God.
9 How close we are in such a life,
In one is blended earth with heav’n;
Thy presence sweetly fills our souls;
Our hearts are to Thy praises giv’n.

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Overcooked Tea

I have a habit of overcooking my tea, not on purpose.  I pour the hot water, and let the bag sit, and think, “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”  And off I go on my computer and before you know it, I have no idea how many minutes it has been.  Story of my life, ever since a desktop computer was brought into my household as a kid.  Hubby and I have decided we don’t want screens in the bedroom.  And so if we ever have children and they get my affinity for technology, I guess they will hate us.  🙂

On another note, Jcrew has shut down its bridal line.  This is old news, but I hadn’t written about it or read about it, but today I skimmed an article by happenstance.  I’d like to thank Jcrew for supposedly inspiring the casual wedding with its attire so I could feel like myself on my wedding day.  😛  How do you write so the “:p” emoticon comes through?  Sometimes I like to say annoying things, just to be annoying, but I don’t want people to actually think I’m anything more than half-serious about the annoying things…..  Err.  Or am I?  Off-topic, but I originally created this blog with hopes that I would stick to the rules of English grammar and punctuation, which I hardly do in any of my blogs, but as you can see, I veered off that path …  I like emoticons, ill-placed ellipses, and non-words too much.

Back on topic.  Every once in awhile in the past two years, I have seen beautiful wedding dresses and said to my hubby, “Can we get married again?” Sometimes, I wish I could have a second wedding where I would actually dress up like a princess, but in the end I’m happy we did things the way we did.  Dressed up as a princess, I probably would have walked around feeling glamorous, self-conscious, or like a fraud, or like all of the above.  We’ll never know.  Luckily, Pinterest has finally let me give it the hint that I am no longer planning for a wedding.   Hooray!

 

I need a lint roller.

The handy, all-in-one tool.  I ditched it, along with a lot of other things, when I left school.  But now I need one again.

Also, I need to stop shopping online for deals because in a lot of cases they are not really deals, and then I’ve added all this stuff to my cart only to delete it all, and that’s the end of that.  It was okay in college, but now ain’t nobody got time for that!

 

Loneliness and Insecurity

There’s a weird feeling I have at the moment, and it’s called loneliness and insecurity.  It means I want to talk and make a friend, but I’m insecure/anxious about how the conversation would go and whether it would be a positive overall interaction or a negative one.

As an HSP, apparently I go out of my way to avoid uncomfortable situations, so you can guess where that leaves me.  I guess I’ve kind of forgotten about my HSP-ness, except today, I noticed one of my friends on Facebook, an acquaintance, rather, had changed her last name back to her maiden name.  That’s never a good sign when you know they are (were?) married.  It’s really disheartening and while one shouldn’t jump to conclusions, I thought back to the research I read a long time ago about how neuroticism is the number one personality predictor of an unhappy marriage, in so many words.  I think HSP-ness and neuroticism pretty much overlap quite a bit.  So I made my hubby take the HSP test.  He’s not an HSP (no surprise at all there).  I think when I make my hubby take tests like these and listen to his responses, I realize how much I assume everyone around me must think the way I think, or feel the way I feel in response to things, and how strange it is to find out that they don’t.  You mean loud noises don’t really bother you?!  You mean you’re not bothered by coarse fabrics?  You don’t get nervous when someone is watching you do something?  You must be an alien!  Except no, the alien, folks, is me.  Just kidding.  We are 20% of the population, so not so alien after all.  But the point is, something about us, oh, maybe the way we are so very moody, makes it difficult for people to live very very closely to us, which marriage is.  Anyhow, as you can probably guess, this doesn’t make me feel too good about myself.  So it’s been awhile since I’ve thought about these personality things.  Thankfully, it is the Lord who brought me to my husband, and my husband to me.  His ways really are higher than our ways.  My thoughts are kind of all over the place on this.  I guess I just feel bummed when things aren’t working out for people and of course I can’t have any way of knowing what is actually going on, so how can I say anything?  It’s all very confusing.  Years and years have passed and so much change, too.

I think that’s what ties all of these thoughts together.  Change.  I don’t like change.  Since I’m back home, I’ve realized a lot of folks are probably still around, but I don’t know if they would want to talk to me.  There’s always the past, the connections to this person or that person, and then there’s this huge gap of time, and by now, I have no clue what to think or what they think, or if they even think.  I want to connect with people, but I have no words.  Or maybe they’re busy.  Or maybe I’m busy.  I would be okay, except see the reason I’m writing this is that I spent too long scrolling through a NewsFeed, reading just that.  News.  News about people, when all I really want is to actually sit down and talk to them, except I also don’t want that as well.  Because what if they don’t open?  That feeling when you can’t seem to get through feels even lonelier, somehow.  Why do things change?  So we left our old community behind, but I am forming a new community here, and it will take time.

I feel there is a new stage of life ahead of me.  The leaves are growing a radiant reddish hue and life is morphing as well.  It seems as I grow older, family becomes more and more primary, and more of them actually need your care, or is it that I actually notice and care about someone other than myself.  I will be 29 in a few weeks.  Throughout most of my life, I haven’t felt my age.  I’ve always felt younger than I actually was.  Today though, my age feels very real to me.

Emojis! =)

When I was not yet going out with now Hubby, we did not talk much.  However, there were some incidents here and there leading up to our courtship that we do remember fondly.  Now that we are married, I ask him to tell me those stories over and over again.

One of them involves an emoji.  We were going over to a family’s house for lunch, and I happened to be grabbing potato salad for the event.  I was running late.  A certain boy was busy barbecuing in the backyard and texted me to say something like “Take your time.  We’ll save food for you =)”.  I remember getting that text while I was on the way to the store with someone I can’t remember who, and smiling to myself.  “How nice!” I thought.  But I also had another thought cross my mind, “He used a smiley face.  That’s interesting… he’s never done that before.  I wonder if he likes me?  But he could be just a nice person.  Hm.  Whatever!”  When I got to the house, I went to say hi to the boys barbecuing.  Hubby remembers that hello very clearly.  I guess it was the first time I actually came to say hi to him?  So there you have it.  The moral of the story is, be careful about sending emojis, guys.  Unless of course if that’s what you’re going for, then send away!

Summer is almost here, and the teachers and students are all counting the days.  I myself have some projects I want to work on, including finishing Marie Kondo’s book about tidying up and cleaning out the mess that is my closet.  I’ve been looking into different options for my old clothes, from donating to selling both locally and online.  Sometimes I get lost in the research and information out there.  It is the same for cooking.  There are just so many recipes to try, and not enough time in life to get through all of them!  I don’t know if it’s because I’m 27 now, but time seems awfully short.  The amount of things I could possibly learn is endless, never mind the things I could do.  I also have a little bit of an itch to bake.  My KitchenAid mixer is sitting somewhere in our kitchen all by itself.  It might just be time to bring it out, now that we’ve finally adjusted the height!  But really, where are my priorities?  Often I feel I am spread thin in my head.  So I curl up into a ball and watch the latest YouTube videos or check on my Neko Atsume cats.  Let me just close my eyes, and sleep.

Small World

Sometimes I am so confused by how small the world is.  Who knows who, and how, and why?  And why does your face look so familiar?  Experienced lots of that this weekend, what with a huge crowd of us at the Hyatt and all.  Mostly spent time with the young people, which I thoroughly appreciated.  Those dear ones– they are dearer at their age now than we were at that age, I like to think.  Time is slipping away from me.  But at the same time, it has slowed.  The hours are counted, the clock is watched.