Hunger

I am not hungry.  What I mean is, this morning, I surfed the Internet for rabbit rescue centers in the North Bay, and then found Glee covers that were supposedly better than the originals, and they were pretty good.  And I quickly read my portion of the morning revival, because something in me still wants to spend time with the Lord, but I am not hungry.  I feel like a distracted child, who is asking, “When will this be over?”  I don’t like mornings, and I seem to happily drift into whatever might instantly gratify me when I’m not so happy about being awake.  My iPhone.  I do feel like my smartphone is a large reason why I’m not that healthy (spiritually/physically/in general), but I am not looking to give it up so I’m not sure what to do there.

And it’s kind of discouraging.  It’s discouraging to come home from prayer meeting and really want to just check who is still remaining on The Voice (is it rigged?).  It’s discouraging to be counting down the minutes on the clock before I’m free.  It’s discouraging to know that I can spend hours upon hours on something, but when it comes to spiritual things, suddenly I have no energy.  And yeah, the disciples were like this, but that was PRE-resurrection.  So I have to wonder, I think I’m regenerated, so what’s up?

I’ve been proofreading lately, and one of the portions I proofread was about life. And about salvation.  And about how although doctrinally speaking regeneration and salvation are supposed to be one and the same, experientially it seems they are not.  And how someone can be saved but not regenerated, in the sense that they only avoid certain things because they feel the church tells them to.  But if someone is regenerated, they avoid doing things because inwardly they cannot, they feel unpleasant to do those things.  In those times I wonder to myself, what about me?  Have I made any progress, or is it all outward law?  Am I just doing things because that’s what I feel is expected of me?  It could be partially the OCD kicking in, as I do things like ask my husband “Am I regenerated?”  He says he can see God’s shepherding of me.  But sometimes I am doubtful.  Have I grown?  Will I ever grow?  Is something missing?  I have to admit, I do not love music the way I used to love music in high school, where my friends and I would literally be glued to our headphones between periods, and even in class if we could, and fall asleep to it, but I still love music to some degree.  And the Lord.  The Lord is invisible and inaudible.  Yet many experienced Him as the Spirit, in a more real way than the disciples did.  I’ve always loved this hymn by Watchman Nee.   I still would love to have the Lord actually sit here and answer my questions face to face, while munching a piece of fish, but I hope I (we) can know Him more “transparently.”

 

1 Oh, Jesus, Lord, when Thou on earth
Accompanied Thy faithful band,
It seemed they knew, but knew Thee not,
Thyself they did not understand.
2 They heard Thy voice, beheld Thy form,
Thy beauteous stature unforgot;
They crowded ‘round Thee, met Thy gaze,
But who Thou art, they knew it not.
3 As they of old we too are veiled;
We’ve known Thee long apparently;
Yet if we say we know, at best
We know Thee not transparently.
4 But as the Spirit now Thou art,
Another Comforter become;
Reveal Thyself within my heart,
Since to Thy temple Thou hast come.
5 With Thy blest Spirit, Lord, fill me,
Fill every corner of my soul;
May Thou inspire my every part,
Oh may Thou touch, renew the whole.
6 The Spirit then revealing make
Thyself more real within my heart,
That ear not hear, nor eye may see
How very real to me Thou art.
7 When Thou in mercy dost reveal
And give Thyself as Spirit thus,
What in the world can be more real,
More true than what Thou art to us?
8 Thy Spirit, Lord, in mine, I pray,
O’erflow my being as a flood,
That every part with glory shine
And everywhere be Thee and God.
9 How close we are in such a life,
In one is blended earth with heav’n;
Thy presence sweetly fills our souls;
Our hearts are to Thy praises giv’n.

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Weddings and Funerals

I love watching Youtube videos of couples talking about their stories, but only the good ones.  It means I have to watch a couple bad ones before I get to the good ones though.

Like this, is so cute.  It’s like when I go to a wedding, and it reminds me again of the beginning.  Also I really appreciated what an older brother spoke to the teenage sisters about relationships. Either our phones can use us, or we can use our phones. Then he slipped it in there, and it was so matter of fact, not scary, but honest, measured, and appropriate.  In so many words, he encouraged them to not get into a relationship at this time. Then went on to say, people are selfish, and may use you.

Yesterday, I went to a memorial for a dear brother who passed away.  I didn’t know him personally, but I went to play the piano.  It was really precious.  Someone once said (is it in the Bible somewhere?) that funerals are better than weddings.  And I could also see why.  There was celebration of the life that he lived, and so many good stories that really were an encouragement to everyone I think.  Stories of how the church fasted and prayed the first time he was diagnosed with a serious illness, and how he came back home, and was their Lazarus to them, a picture of the resurrection life.  Stories of how his housemate picked him up out of bed to have morning watch, cause he told him the night before to wake him up no matter what he said.  Stories of his one-liner quips and humorous antics as a child.  I felt like even though I didn’t know him, I was blessed by his life through all the testimonies.

Anyway, laundry calls.

Emojis! =)

When I was not yet going out with now Hubby, we did not talk much.  However, there were some incidents here and there leading up to our courtship that we do remember fondly.  Now that we are married, I ask him to tell me those stories over and over again.

One of them involves an emoji.  We were going over to a family’s house for lunch, and I happened to be grabbing potato salad for the event.  I was running late.  A certain boy was busy barbecuing in the backyard and texted me to say something like “Take your time.  We’ll save food for you =)”.  I remember getting that text while I was on the way to the store with someone I can’t remember who, and smiling to myself.  “How nice!” I thought.  But I also had another thought cross my mind, “He used a smiley face.  That’s interesting… he’s never done that before.  I wonder if he likes me?  But he could be just a nice person.  Hm.  Whatever!”  When I got to the house, I went to say hi to the boys barbecuing.  Hubby remembers that hello very clearly.  I guess it was the first time I actually came to say hi to him?  So there you have it.  The moral of the story is, be careful about sending emojis, guys.  Unless of course if that’s what you’re going for, then send away!

Summer is almost here, and the teachers and students are all counting the days.  I myself have some projects I want to work on, including finishing Marie Kondo’s book about tidying up and cleaning out the mess that is my closet.  I’ve been looking into different options for my old clothes, from donating to selling both locally and online.  Sometimes I get lost in the research and information out there.  It is the same for cooking.  There are just so many recipes to try, and not enough time in life to get through all of them!  I don’t know if it’s because I’m 27 now, but time seems awfully short.  The amount of things I could possibly learn is endless, never mind the things I could do.  I also have a little bit of an itch to bake.  My KitchenAid mixer is sitting somewhere in our kitchen all by itself.  It might just be time to bring it out, now that we’ve finally adjusted the height!  But really, where are my priorities?  Often I feel I am spread thin in my head.  So I curl up into a ball and watch the latest YouTube videos or check on my Neko Atsume cats.  Let me just close my eyes, and sleep.

Ten million and one things to do.

Does anyone else feel like this on a daily basis, but then sits around and watches YouTube?  UGH.  Just me?  Because YouTube is EASY.  It’s one click, maybe two, maybe three.  Instant entertainment.  UGH, again.

OK, so this is going to be a more unconventional post, meaning I’m not going to pay attention to my grammar and caps and stuff and spelling ya.

I think that when things get overwhelming, I like to make lists.  So, here we go.  I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do now that we’re back from our honeymoon.  Honeymoon was awesome!  Everyone, when you get married, go on a honeymoon.  Do it.  Because I said so.  And because another family told us we had to.  I think we already were going to, but they insisted that we go.  OK, ok, we’ll go!  So we went to New  Zealand.  And it was lovely!  The air was pure and clean.  No really.  I actually hiked while we were there.  Is this annoying yet?  Yes?  Can I blame jet lag still?  No?

Ok so where was I.  List.  Yes.  Sometimes, the fact that I have ADD tendencies becomes really apparent.  Like days like today.  Especially when I have a million projects I want to do.  But let’s start with the necessary ones.

COSTCO. – I mean grocery shopping, of some sort.  My hubby is a trooper and eats sandwiches for lunch every day.  He also eats oatmeal with berries in the morning.  This means that if there is no bread, berries, or sandwich meat, he can’t really make his lunch or breakfast, and it also means he ends up eating out, at somewhere like MCDONALDS cause of his coworkers.  Dude, I didn’t even know people actually liked eating at McDonalds for real when they’re beyond Happy Meal age and McDonalds isn’t giving out Neopets anymore.  Is it a guy thing?  Anyway, so at some point today, I need to go to Costco.  Also, the Costco ad came today.  The first thing they are selling on sale is Whey Protein.  Now I’ve been wondering about whey protein, because when I was little, my mom used to make me protein shakes.  I really liked these protein shakes actually, and as someone with fast metabolism (see previous post), protein is an essential part of my daily meals.  It’s also why I feel like a vegetarian diet or even pescatarian diet is difficult.  I tried it for maybe a couple weeks in the first semester, and then I just didn’t do it anymore.  I don’t like feeling hungry all the time and worrying about whether I’m getting a complete protein by combining bean one with bean two.  Yes I made that up.  No I don’t know what I’m talking about.  Anyway.  So I’m not sure if I should buy protein or not, but it’s on sale!  So it warrants some consideration.

SLPA. – I need to do some work and finish something for this.  I can’t say what, because I’m ashamed that I’m still working on it. 😦  It’s going to take a chunk of time to do, and I’ve been putting it off because it reminds me of my failures.  So step one, is admitting, right?

COOKING WITH A PLAN. – AKA, not dumplings every night.  Tonight I’m going to try recreating my mom’s salmon head dish.  Because salmon heads are considerably cheaper by pound at the Asian market than a fillet is, and equally as delicious.  I’m armed with my mother’s recipe which involves no measurable ingredients nor quantifiable times.  I’m sure it will be no problem.  Oh wait, I need sides.  OK, what else, I’ll stir-fry some baby bok choy and make fresh rice, since yesterday I found out that dear hubby does not like old rice.  WHAT?

Let me tell you guys the proper way to reheat rice:

  • Cover rice bowl with a damp paper towel.  Reheat in microwave.  Stir.  Reheat some more.  This prevents your rice from being dried out and not tasty.  You’re welcome, now you won’t fear old rice.

Also, I’ve been wanting to create a recipe binder.  I even got a cute binder at Staples for it! Of course, one needs recipes before one can fill a binder…

STEP TWO OF COOKING WITH A PLAN. – Or is it step one?  Collect recipes!

CLEANING WITH A PLAN. – You’d think I never cleaned before in my life.  Oh I’ve cleaned before, but I’ve always lived with a vast amount of housemates.  That means that I had ONE job, every week, and everyone else got other jobs.  And I took about two hours to do that one job, very, thoroughly.  Let’s just say my roomies were very glad I was the person cleaning the bathroom.  Now we have an entire place, and at first, I was too scared of the bugs to venture into cleaning.  Now that the bugs are gone, I am still scared of remnant bugs.  Our place has been cleanest when we have had guests over.  So I guess that’s the secret, folks.  I need people over.

WAKE UP AT PROPER HOURS. – I wish I could blame jet lag.  Without an alarm clock, I sleep about 12 hours every night.  I think.  I need to measure it.  And I’ve been this way for. ever.  On Saturdays, my brother would bound out of bed in the early morning and come to my room and pull my blankets off of me in an attempt to wake me up to play.  Did I want to play?  NO.  I remember in college, my senior year, I took Spanish class.  10am, every day, or was it 11am?  It didn’t matter.  And in Bible school I was a walking zombie.  That was the first time the word “zombie” became real to me.  I just looked it up on Google and apparently there’s a SUCH THING as people that simply sleep.. a lot.  And that just kind of is how it goes.  But this is in the absence of other disorders.  So I probably should check if I have sleep apnea, etc, first.  Put that on the list of things I need to bring to my doctor so I don’t completely blank out when I go see her.  Oh but this guy says he went from 11 hours to 6 hours!  Hm….  Sleep, an eternal mystery.

CLEAN MY CAR. – Jaws, as I affectionately call him, is dirty.  He has empty water bottles all over the floor.  Why?  I don’t know.  He just does.

GET RID OF THINGS. – I’ve only made it halfway through Marie Kondo’s book, and…

GET A NEW MAILBOX APP. – Mailbox by Dropbox is shutting down.  I’m disappointed.  The other apps I’ve found so far are either for phones only or require a $, and I don’t think I should pay for an email app when I used to have one for free!  Apparently Polymail is coming out soon, let’s hope it’s real soon!

Maybe I should have just called this post, an enumeration of Esther’s current problems and what to do about them.  Haha.  What should I work on first?  Seriously though, we’re doing well.  I’m really glad that hubby and I got to take a trip together.  My heart is so full, in the cheesiest of ways.